bushed.

It's 2:22 AM, and if I were to make a wish, it would be for proper sleep!

I got back from my trip to Chicago and Baltimore- pictures and blogs will come, though I said that about my Burma trip in April and where are those pictures, huh- and the whole week after was pretty chill. I played catch-up at work and now we are interviewing people, but not a lot of sales were written so there were a lot of slow days. On Saturday I woke up real early to check out an estate sale and go rock climbing with some cool ladies I have met through knitting. It was a great day, but then when I got home I passed out on the couch again. I do have a comfy couch, and I did wake up early, but since I had fell asleep on it Friday and I think Thursday too, I was a little surprised when I was woken up by the sound of the garage door when my brother came home.

Then I fell asleep again.

Then night was falling and my brother asked me if he could turn on the light in the living room. So I got up, puttered around thinking I'd do something useful.. and fell back asleep. I had a pretty bad sinus headache, but thought it was just being dried out without enough water, or maybe the season changing was giving me allergies...

I woke up around 8 AM Sunday, which felt like a good time to wake up- nice and early, right? But then I realized my head STILL hurt from the night before, and I read for a little while before I fell back asleep.

Essentially I slept away my entire Sunday, and now it's Sunday night and I have work in 6 hours, and I am -not- happy about it.

Bodice muslin

Made a muslin for the beginning of a blouse! Maybe. It's from a dress pattern. Also, I don't really get it yet. I took in a LOT from the sides, even though I cut it to the suggested measurements. The sleeves don't actually meet at the bottom/underarm on the pattern, but I tried it since I brought the sides in so much. This skews the neck though and now the neck line is SUPER low. Also, there's tons of bunching by the shoulders in the front.
I'll try recutting the sleeve (I want to to meet at the underarm, although I'm conflicted about the length of the sleeve) and taking out excess from the back instead of just the sides. And then I'm going to figure out how awful this is going to be when I use a pretty different fabric.

I think I'm supposed to grow up now.

fabric.com animal print haul*

So I feel like I'm supposed to wear "blouses" now, as an adult woman and all that. As opposed to wearing tees (guys, do you remember the "baby tee" of the nineties? Oh boy) and tank tops. And not just dresses, mostly because I own 3 black skirts and several more printed skirts and about two tops that can pass as "blouses".

I keep putting it in quotation marks because I find myself clueless to what a blouse really even IS, and what kind of blouse I want to wear. Does it have to button? Is it ok if it's made of a knit fabric? Can we avoid that because I'm still uncomfortable sewing with knits?
Generally I would go into the "vintage" idea around the forties and fifties but that tends to land me in the area of puff sleeves and peplums and pussy bows. I can probably rock a pussy bow blouse (though I wish we could think of a better name than "pussy bow") but the rest- and the forties/fifties-look dresses I usually choose when I want to be "dressed up" are often too close to "cute" and far from the grown up idea I'm trying to put forward.

Why am I even trying so hard? My workplace is very lenient, and my boss generally wears jeans and a t-shirt (the other day, a Patron tequila branded shirt. He used to be a bartender.. and he also just likes tequila).  I'm probably the most dressed person there. I've realized this might also be because I'm the lowest ranking, so I want to be taken a little seriously, and the fact that I sit at the front desk. Also, when I wake up and drag myself out of bed I want to feel like I actually woke up, and not like I'm still in my pajamas.

Said pajamas tend to be the shirt I wore the day before.

So, I am on a blouse quest. I've found a few contenders shopping, but there's always a problem- fit, pattern, material, color, cut, or most of all- price.
 And I'm going to sew one. Lucky me, I have the aforementioned lenient workplace. And while I will probably have even greater problems with fit, I can at least control that somewhat- although to argue that I'm choosing great material isn't valid here, since I'm working with the cheapest polyester that I probably shouldn't have bought anyways, and mystery remnants.
I started on Burda, which even did a newsletter of blouses:
http://www.burdastyle.com/blog/project-the-perfect-blouse

And my favorite blouse on that page is probably in the third block of pictures (not including the intro picture): only titled "The Sleeveless Blouse", the pattern is for a button down top with gathers at the neck for fullness.
Simple! Classic! You can tuck it in, but you won't look gross if you don't!
I have already run into problems.

from Burdastyle.com

one, it has buttons. I am willing to do buttons. I own buttons. I own a buttonhole foot. But I'm a little nervous.
Two, it's got those well placed front gathers. Here I run into a big part of my "blouse" confusion: I don't tend to like full tops. I like slim things up top, that hug the waist, and flow at the hips.
But I feel like that seems to be in the definition of "blouse" with a few exceptions. Nipping in at the waist tends to be done with many buttons and often with a puff sleeve or peplum. Is there something more mature about a full, loose top?

..I'll think about it.

Diving into my own patterns, I have a dress I could possibly hack into a blouse but might not be worth the effort, and if I have anything else that matches it's been lost to the moving-box-pile (I hate this pile in my life).

Do I go forth without a pattern? Am I ready for that much adventure, that much heartache, especially for a piece of clothing I'm already confused about and am doomed not to like?
Wish me luck, blog.




*Those poly charmeuse animal prints were part of a sale I had trouble resisting. The zebra is- horrors!- slightly sheer. My mother loves animal prints, and because my dad doesn't like them I'm resolving to fill her world with them. However, we are two different sizes.

knitting night

Clockwise from right: Tiffany, Kyrie, Lorna, Kat.


I found a neat little knitting group here :) They're very open, a little wild, from different backgrounds and with different personalities. And even different knitting skill levels- all very welcoming.

Quickie Review: Cos Bar at Target nail polish

Found in the clearance section of Target, illustrating that while it's nice to save a bit of money- especially when buying a non-necessity like nail polish- you run the risk of actually liking it and not being able to buy it again. Fortunately I pick nail polish colours mostly for variety, so not knowing the name of this colour (from the discontinued Cos Bar for Target line, no less) is fine by me. Also, it's too dark for me to really be in love with it. The polish is not really the colour it looks in the bottle. I would have said the polish was brown with gold or silver sparkles and maybe a duo chrome effect. On the nails it's reddish brown- not quite gold enough for me to say bronze but not quite red enough to say brick. There's silver sparkles and lots of shine, but even after three coats it's a little transparent. You might like that if you trends to gob on too much polish- the formula is very thin and the high shine is forgiving of uneven brush strokes. Shown in sunlight and indoors with no flash.

Aloe Gloe

I want to make some kind of "gloe-ing review" pun but it'd be better if I really was glowing about it. This drink showed up in my office when they moved some of the staff- and their stuff- from California to Las Vegas. Therefore, I can't say if it's a bargain. It is made in California, which gives it a nice local appeal. While it's cute that the name rhymes, my brain keeps reading the label as "aloe glue", entirely unappetizing. The drink itself is not bad, although it doesn't go easy on the sweetener. I find many aloe drinks are sweetened, but this struck me as particularly sweet. if you hate pulp in your aloe, or that gel-like consistency many aloe drinks have, this is a very good choice. It's the first aloe drink I've had that's easy to DRINK.

Www.aloegloe.com/home

Wordless Wednesday

Ain't you pretty.

yes, you is.
and on the inside, you're bloody and dark.

I had, for a long time, a goal of growing up to be pretty. When asked I would say I wanted to be happy, and I wanted to know I was happy. To be loved, to be confident in my life and my achievements.. and my skin. We- as girls, but guys have it to a lesser extent- get taught, in sneaky ways, that you deserve stuff when you look better. Attention, respect, clothing, work. "She looks so put together. She must be capable." There's an idea that by putting on the best clothes and the right makeup, Things will happen. You will meet the guy or girl. You will be paid attention to. You will get a free drink. You will have a good night.
I wanted to look loved in pictures.

All the anti-aging creams promise that you'll grow up to be good looking. Not just good FOR YOUR AGE.
I heard once, from The Frenchman, that a woman when young needs to be beautiful to be loved, and when she old, she needs to be loved to be beautiful.

When my boyfriend dumped me but I continued to see him, I didn't think I could do any better. He was muscular and manly and had the greenest eyes and the longest lashes. He was physically attractive enough that through our university he wasn't known simply by his first name, but "Hot [first name]." He didn't get a degree from that college.
He wants his own children because he thinks genetics are the best he can give to them, not just the best but ALL he has to give to them.
I suppose he has this five year plan of becoming a deadbeat dad.
And you know what? he has bad teeth and bad skin and he is of average height.

Someone will always be hotter than you.

When I continued to see this ex-boyfriend, he had stopped saying "I love you" some four months prior, but in bed he would tell me how beautiful he found me. Perfect, he would say. Gorgeous.

The curve of your hip. The narrow of your waist, the glow of your skin.

I have never been so sad or so angry about the way I looked, after having been complimented.

Because what good did it do me? Being pretty? "Way to luck out with genetics you didn't have a choice in, then live a comfortable enough life that you didn't starve or eat yourself into obesity. Also, good job not suffering any major accidents. NICE EFFORT." Big fucking whoop. Being pretty didn't get him to love me any more than having a college degree got him to respect me. He called me beautiful when he wasn't thinking and when he was angry told me to "get a car and a real job."

grow up.

grow into something more than you were.

I built my whole world around someone and watched it all dissolve like so much wet tissue paper.

But this weekend, with the boy I woke up next to, he called me beautiful and I wasn't sad, or angry, or upset.

I just didn't believe him.

Memorial Day Weekend

I'm not really ready to post about my travels yet, but I have a few pictures from Memorial Day weekend and the weekend before, where I volunteered at the temple near my house- it's called Chaiya Meditation Monastery and they have a food fair once a month. 

Can you read it? I snapped it as they were driving away- it reads SSSNAPE!

At the food fair

Some awesome sunglasses

Over the weekend- I had just started working- and I was a little bummed I didn't have plans for Memorial Day weekend. There was plenty to do, but I didn't want to spend money when I didn't actually have a paycheck coming in. 

But surprise surprise, when I had just settled in to a weekend of surfing the web and cleaning the house, an old friend of my mother's from Maryland gave me a call. She's in Vegas with her husband at their brother in law's house! Am I free?

Of course I am free! This is in one of the hotels. I can't even remember now. The Venetian?

The Bellagio Gardens is one of my favorite places on the Strip. 

These Flapjacks remind me of one of my favorite cartoons, "The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack."

This is my mother's friend. I've befriended her daughter as well, even though she's quite a bit younger than me. The gardens were done up in an Spring/Americana theme- Flags, a lighthouse, a frog made of flowers, a carousel.

the hot air balloons swaying gently

My aunt's (the friend of my mom's) nephew, Justin. He is studying philosophy and just got into a very competitive summer law intensive. Competitive? There are only 20 spots. For the whole country.

Do you think these ducks get scared when the Bellagio water show comes on?

I'm sure at some point I'll get tired of walking the Strip and showing visitors around, but I haven't yet :)

I'm awful to myself.

Is this what they mean when they tell me, "Take care!"

Not just ta-ta.

but to take care of yourself. Always move forward. Keep close the friends you have and with every interaction work on being empathetic. Surround yourself with the people who matter- the ones you're important to. Practice radical self-love. When you need help, get it. Remind yourself that you are loved. Assure that you are lovable.

I realize every hard lesson I learned has made me into who I am.

I hate who I have become.

So, so much in my life has gotten better since I have moved and I'm so very grateful I could do this.
But this isn't where I thought I'd be. This isn't the life I wanted to have or the house I wanted to come back to at night. This isn't home. I have a dream and all it consists of is moving again.
Am I still running?

I made a note to myself to stop hiding. However, I have continued to lay myself much to bare and open, and have become weak. Where is my shield? Where is my backbone? Why can't I get out of my past?